The lake was still dark in the early morning, and the sun just began to rise over the horizon. Some bushes by the edge of the lake rustled, and then Rusty Fisherkatt's paws push them out of the way to reveal him and his nephew, Dusty. It was Dusty's first day fishing, so he shook with excitement while holding the fishing gear for his uncle. Rusty went and sat by the lakeside, and gestured for Dusty to follow. Rusty began to show Dusty how to fish with their paws. He extended his paw towards Dusty and then his claws poked out of his paws suddenly, startling Dusty. Rusty proceeded to put a little bit of bait on the tip of his claws. Rusty reaches into the water in a very slow, scoop-like motion, and rests it patiently in the water. Dusty watched Rusty's paw very carefully. When a fish swam towards the bait on Rusty's claws, he quickly grabbed the fish right out of the water and put it into the bucket.
Rusty then gestured towards the lake's edge for Dusty to have his turn. Dusty gulped, but scooted to the edge, and prepared his paws just as Rusty had. When a fish finally came, Dusty swung his paw so fast that he fell right into the lake, scaring the fish away. Dusty's head popped out of the water, and he smiled weakly at Rusty. Rusty, with a scowl, pulls Dusty out of the lake and motions for him to try again. Then, a series of sequences show Dusty failing again and again and again, which only angers Rusty further. Then, once Rusty cannot take it anymore he yowls at Dusty, whom immediately slinks down out of fear and shame. The young cat runs and hides in the bushes from Rusty. Rusty scratched the back of his head. He clearly felt bad for overreacting on his nephew. He stared at the lake got lost in a deep thought, thinking of a new plan for Dusty's training.
Rusty pushed away some bushes to reveal Dusty's small, shaking form. Dusty was tearing up, and once he noticed his uncle he tried to dry them quickly by wiping his face. Rusty lent his paw out to Dusty to grab. Dusty was hesitant, but he grabbed Rusty's hand after Rusty smiled warmly at him. Rusty grabbed the young cat briskly and proceeded to throw him into the lake playfully. Dusty's head popped out of the water, confused. Then, a shadow covers Dusty as his uncle jumps right on top of him! The two popped out of the water with Dusty on Rusty's shoulders. The two laughed and played in the water. The training did not seem to matter anymore, for Rusty hadn't had more fun in his entire life.
Much better! But a bit linear and the problem isn’t really addressed. I can relate to this scenario as I grew up fishing – my grandfather was a devoted fisherman, though rather taciturn and a bit gruff. I would get sea sick and he wasn’t always read to stop and go back to shore. Once I hooked my grandmother (accidentally) right in the chin. We had to take her to the emergency room. Another time I capsized the boat I was in (just me – it was small tippy boat – I’ll tell you the story in class). Events such as these are a bit more dramatic and would up the ante – providing a focus for the conflict. I think you should consider some sort of event to provide the focus and justify the conflict. Be sure to show how we get to the point of the resolution – right now I am missing it. In general – very good job!
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